The Brutalist Report

The Onion

• Election Officials Announce Results Won’t Be Available Until After You Brush Teeth, Put On Jammies [19d]
• Doug Emhoff Forced To Sit In Corner Of Election Party After Getting Too Hyper [19d]
• Confident Jill Stein Goes With Stadium For Election Party [19d]
• Anxious Trump Spends Election Night Watching Old ‘Gilmore Girls’ Episodes In Bed [19d]
• CNN Touchscreen Map Already Covered In Peanut Butter [19d]
• ELECTION ALERT: Still Too Early To Know Which Minority To Scapegoat [19d]
• America Votes In 2024 Election [19d]
• Neuralink Patient Unable To Stop Hand From Voting For Trump [19d]
• Report: High Turnout Traced To Americans Mistakenly Voting On Vending Machine [19d]
• Single-Band Home [19d]
• Uninformed Citizen Scrambling To Research Last 2,500 Years Of Democracy Before Voting [19d]
• Man Wearing ‘I Vorted’ Sticker Beginning To Worry That Wasn’t Legitimate Polling Place [19d]
• Stressed Nation Asks Obama If It Can Bum 340 Million Cigarettes [19d]