The Brutalist Report

The Onion

• U.S. Populace Appoints Designated Survivor [4h]
• U.S. Tourists Advised To Temporarily Avoid Shootouts With Mexican Drug Cartels [5h]
• Trump Invites Caucasian Half Of Alysa Liu To Visit White House [6h]
• What To Know About The SAVE America Act [8h]
• God Admits He No Longer Loves Humanity But Is Too Afraid To Leave [10h]
• Mexico To Deploy Robotic Police Dogs For 2026 FIFA World Cup [10h]
• NHL Launches $800 Marketing Campaign In Major Push To Attract New Fans [10h]
• RFK Jr. Claims Anti-Protein Extremists Left Head Of Lettuce On His Doorstep [10h]